The Number Fortys: Mike Reno and Ann Wilson - "Almost Paradise...Love Theme From Footloose"

sIn The Number Fortys, we review every song that was sitting at #40 on the Billboard chats, starting in the first week of January 1984, right around the time this writer became cognizant/obsessive about music. The seeds for the idea came from Tom Breihan's Number Ones column over at Stereogum. However, we here at k-postpunk believe that the bottom is more interesting than the top (and obscurity is more interesting than either).

We meet again Footloose. First it was Kenny Loggins at the top spot. Now it's this power ballad dreck at the bottom (it would eventually reach #8 though).

Mike Reno was the singer for Loverboy; their entire recorded output is a 2. Ann Wilson was the singer for Heart; their entire recorded output is a 3. Tthey both may still be the singers for those bands, they might not be, they might both be dead, or alive, or one dead and the other alive, I don't care. Loverboy was from Vancouver, Canada. Heart was from Seattle, which isn't far from Canada, or Vancouver. So let's just consider the song a bit of international longing, a border love song for our times.

Or not. I think the worst songs in this column are the ballads because they drag on for what feels like forever. This song is so slow it feels like it has negative beats per minute. The melody resembles a church hymn, taking it one note at a time as it moves up the scale, and then down the scale. The beat sounds like someone in rehab slowly learning to walk, to the point where halfway through the song I start coaching the drummer. First this step. Okay, now another step. Good. Now another. Excellent. You're getting there. We're almost to the end of the song. One more step. You can do it.

It's a 1.

THE NUMBER ONE

Lionel's incel anthem holds on for another week. We went deep on it last week, so go read that if you're interested. The two songs in this column definitely make for the worst music we've encountered top to bottom since we began, and the sooner we end this installment, the sooner we'll be on to something else. It gets better (the music gets better, not the column--the column already rules). I promise.