The Number Fortys: John Waite - "Tears"

In The Number Fortys, we review whatever song was sitting at #40 on the Billboard charts. We began in the first week of January 1984, right around the time this writer became cognizant/obsessive about music, and will continue until we get bored. The seeds for the idea came from Tom Breihan's Number Ones column over at Stereogum. However, we here at k-postpunk believe that the bottom is more interesting than the top (and obscurity is more interesting than either). Also, if you want to read the Number in the title as meaning "more numb," I think that's totally understandable at this point.

Tears as in the salty water that pours out of your eyes, not tears as in rips something in half. It's John Waite's follow-up to his #1 hit Missing You. We talked about it when this series encountered Sheena Easton; it's a 7.

This is not a 7. It's an incoherent, vaguely misogynistic piece of crap. Of all the girls I've had at my knees / You're the only one who could bring me to these tears is the opposite of romance. Hell, it's the opposite of human decency. It's quite possibly the worst compliment you could pay someone.

John Waite didn't write the song. It was co-written by a guy who replaced Ace Frehley in Kiss (Kiss is terrible; their music is a 0--Kiss is in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Inc., an act which is like inducting Bill O'Reilly into the Objective Journalist Hall of Fame). The lyrics are the blabbering of a not-very-bright-person confused why the object of their...affection?...desire?...That's giving it too much credit. The guy wants the girl to have fucky-wucky time with and they'd rather do the fucky-wucky with someone else, someone who's not a babbling asshole. It's a tough conceit for a song, when you're glad the girl left the singer, but that's what we have here.

You turned another's thumb / And he makes your wrongs seem right / Out on some different wavelength / Somehow he brings you more

I don't know what it means to "turn another's thumb." But here's some free relationship advice. If you think the girl you're pining for is wrong, and incapable of making good choices, maybe they're not the person for you. Also, the fact that you are crying tears is not a good reason for the object (a really appropriate word here) of your desire to get back together with you. Tears are a reason for a parent to give you a hug, not for a girl to get down on her knees for you. Just because someone loved you, or did the humpy-bumpy with you, does not mean they are required to continue loving, or humpy-bumping you. You haven't been betrayed, or misled. The person just isn't into that anymore. And it's extremely possible that it's your fault, not theirs.

Later he call her "a killer on the streets," which  means either she murders homeless people, or is really good at being a prostitute. Again, not the best compliment to give someone.

But what about the music, you ask. Tell me what you think about the music. Yeah. Sure, man. Stop yelling.

The music is generic, unmemorable mid-80s arena rock. It's like a soulless version of Boston or something. It aspires to classic rock without ever being classic or actually rocking. It's bad.

It's a 1.


THE NUMBER ONE

Two weeks for Billy. I can't hear this song without thinking of this old Mr. Show sketch, probably because there was a time in my life when I didn't have cable or internet and one of the five DVDs I owned was the first season of Mr. Show. Anyway, this one is funny enough to make me okay with Bob Odenkirk's,..uh. Central-Asia-face? This might be the 100th time I've seen this sketch, and I still, in a room by myself, busted-up laughing when he shouted "Soon! Soon! You're a balloon!"

Hell on earth, indeed.