The Number Fortys: Billy Joel - "The Longest Time"

In The Number Fortys, we review every song that was sitting at #40 on the Billboard chats, starting in the first week of January 1984, right around the time this writer became cognizant/obsessive about music. The seeds for the idea came from Tom Breihan's Number Ones column over at Stereogum. However, we here at k-postpunk believe that the bottom is more interesting than the top (and obscurity is more interesting than either).

Didn't we just write about this guy (why yes we did). Jesus, did all this guy's songs enter at #40? This one is definitely gonna fuck up my YouTube algorithms well and good.

As was the case with his last song, Billy Joel can write a damn fine melody, one that's capable of being both evocative and pretty. It's a gift, but what he chooses to do with that gift...

It's nice to see Billy hasn't forgotten his dance moves from the Uptown Girl video, i.e. walking from one place to another on the beat while occasionally snapping his fingers. Good job, Billy!

The Longest Time is a nice song about nice things. You ask me what is wrong with nice things, and I sigh wearily and reply, nothing, nothing is wrong with nice things. Nice things bring, I don't know, good feelings to people. And life is hard, and a nice song can brighten a person's day. Yes, I know. I know. That's an important contribution to society. But what about those of us who aren't a part of society, who live as exiles in their own country, in their own culture? What fucking good does doo-wop nostalgia about rediscovering the thrill of love as an adult do for people like us? Great melody though.

Score: 4/10

THE NUMBER ONE

Like, could this song even exist without the movie?. Would it make any earthly sense at all? The lyrics are mono-syllabically rhymed doggerel about needing to "cut footloose," a phrase that I'm pretty sure nobody had ever used to this point in human language ever. I mean "cutting footloose" sounds like some jazz-age vernacular for "fucking shit up." Is this a christian song? I would imagine "cut footloose" is what Chick-Fil-A employees do after their pro-life supporting, LGBT-hating asses get done spreading obesity throughout the south. Fuck this white bread piece of shit song, and fuck me for liking it when I was 11 years old. Though I should point out that if you like this song, if it speaks to you in any way shape or form, then you are basically the intellectual/emotional/cultural equivalent of me at age 11. And I lived in Brockton, Massachusetts for three years without asking my mom to buy me a winter jacket, or hat, or gloves. So I was a neglected dumbass that nobody cared about. And if you like Footloose, then so are you.